Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
