hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
