There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
