I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
