Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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