There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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