Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
don't judge my taste in strippers
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
