we're making bets on your personal life
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
