Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
