My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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