This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
