I met the friendliest cop last night
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
