im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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