So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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