Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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