I am spending my child support on dildos
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
