remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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