I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
