So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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