Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
