my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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