dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
