overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
