I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
