a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just had sex on a roof
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
