I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
