When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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