I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
