Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
