Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
