There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
