I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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