i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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