im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
