So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
