got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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