I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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