She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
