i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my shit smells like andre
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
