There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
