Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
