If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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