Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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