my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
