seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
two words...techno handjob
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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