HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
