I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
