Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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