So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
