i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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