I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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