You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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