I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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