It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
