sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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